Calling back for my intuition.

I started this blog almost a year ago with the beginning of my advent into veganism. That foray was inspired much by A. Silverstone’s book “the kind diet”, bought mostly for the pretty photos for a few dollars at a closeout sale at Borders. (www.thekindlife.com). Veganism began one Sunday after a day in the garden, completely unexpectedly and as almost of a joke; just a fun way to pass the time that day.

It lasted two months, which by some standards would be relatively nothing, but for an unanticipated and beforehand unimaginable reality for me, was a real thing. Much of what I did then I carry over into my current life, by eating the same foods and reading the same book and having the same thought processes about what is good for my body and my life in the world.

What is most interesting to me is not just the change in behaviors and mental processes I experienced, and not even how sudden the shift seemed to occur, but rather, how devoted I was to that change, and how much those new behaviors meant to me both now and then, with so little thought of them beforehand. 

I didn’t plan for veganism. I didn’t even think about veganism until my first day of it. And on my first day of it, I didn’t even anticipate it being something I would want to do for any serious amount of time. How was I able to so quickly and easily perceive it as so valuable to me?

My intuition tells me it was just my intuition. Since my intuition has been the only thing I’ve been able to consistently rely on in my life, I have few rational options but to trust that as true; that I experienced something that would be so good for me in the long-term that I knew immediately once engaged in it not to give it up. Time has shown the evidence, a year later and still vegan in heart and mostly in body, that this is probably true.

I think about these questions more generally not just in terms of veganism but in terms of other changes in my life. Facing shifts in professions, geography, money, friendships, love, and, general attitude, I have been considering a lot not just my decisions but the process itself of making decisions and bringing on life changes.

I will be starting in less than three months’ time a completely new profession. I will be living on a different coast. I will be challenging the way I consider what is important work and what is important to love. These are not necessarily difficult things to take on, but they are alarming to me as shifts that are happening seemingly without much prior knowledge or insight. I have been considering for the past several weeks any of the ways I could get more information about all of these new areas that I’m about to go into. And in every way, that has been my default and natural way of being and acting in the world. My spontaneous but fortunate foray into a vegan diet was an anomaly for me (along with only a few other decisions in my life: attending Vassar and going to Spain, the both of which along with veganism were some of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself), which is why I have been trying to learn more about how I was able to act in those ways and to trust in myself so steadily.
These reflections help me realize that despite how strong I know my intuition to be, I have had tendencies to not trust it completely, feeling the need to augment it with information and lived experience. This has proven to in no way improve my decisions, and by the last several weeks has in every way shown to make my decision-making process more arduous and less personally gratifying.

I think it’s time I quite simply not just listened to my heart more, but trusted it. Fortunate thoughts, for one to be going from science to teaching, from Philadelphia to San Francisco, from lonely independence to a loving and true partnership.

Be Your Gosh Darn Self

This sounds so much easier than it really is. So many of us would abide by this, if only, we thought, we knew what it meant to be our selves. Who are we, anyway? It’s never easily defined. And that’s why I can’t quite put to words what it really means. But, words are helpful in solidifying concepts; that’s (partly) why we have them.

The best I’ve been able to do for myself by way of this definition is that it is to be constantly aware of our own intuitions, to accept our own preferences, and to not let standards of how we think we should be behaving guide us instead.
“But oh, Jen, what about the people who aren’t perfect like you, who are drug addicts and abusers and inveterate litterbugs? Should they just continue to be their slimy old selves?”
Well, thank you, but firstly, I’m not perfect. And good point that you raise. Secondly, yes. I do think they should continue to do as they please. Because even if we think the world would be better without their bad habits, no real changes will be made to who they are or what it is they really want to be doing without internal motivation. This means reformed behaviors will always be at risk for occurring again; the negative thoughts and predilections will be passed down to future generations. Those entities will still exist.*

When we are instead encouraged to be our total selves, and at a high level of awareness, the nature of our thoughts and habits become more clear. Their negative consequences become more felt. These understandings, combined with love of self and others, can truly motivate us to change our lives into ones of healthier patterns.
I believe in this because it has happened to me, and it is happening to me still. When I listen to myself, I am happier. When I am happier, I want to treat myself and others better. The love of self is the love of others.

I'm Jen. I really like jigsaw puzzles. I don't like getting drunk. And I don't like smoking. I like posing with inanimate things as if they are real. I like living alone. I like putting non-skillful art creations on my wall and showing them to near-strangers. I like working hard. And I like that I like these things.

* I realize this is way trickier than I make it here. There are offenders whose actions are too grave to ignore. I don’t suggest that we just give assholes tea and yoga and then hope they get better. But, I do think that if we focused more on helping everyone (i.e., not just the highly privileged folks) achieve higher levels of self-awareness and self-love, that maybe we would be able to prevent some of these problems in the first place. And as for dealing with problems as they arise: New Zealand has an interesting model of restorative justice that I’d like to learn more about. It focuses on acknowledgment of the crime and bringing offender and survivor together (instead of pushing the offender into an isolated corner so that we can forget about him). It is thought to be more healing to the victim. It is not a lack of justice.

Am I idealistic? Yes. Do I think it is important? Even more so, yes.

What We Believe Is A Choice

Good things are coming. I can feel it. I don’t know if it is strange or misguided or even just foolish to get this sense of positivity after hardships. But, regardless, I will always consider it precious. From a purely defensive perspective, the act of hope allows us to persevere, perhaps even thrive, despite the obstacles that stand in our way. And from a more abstract artistic sense, it is an even more beautiful ability for the human mentality to continue to love despite its losses. I think this is what keeps us sane, healthy, and good, as people. This is our ability to make our own choices given a condition that we cannot control and hadn’t ever wanted. These choices are what show us that we are capable of creating and re-creating our experiences.

What we believe is a choice. I am fortunate to know this and to believe always in what I see as beautiful, to be what I see, and to entrust in happiness, always.

Magic happens everywhere.