Being happy is …

Being happy is being in the moment. 

Single Partnership

I like you when I think you are smart, when I respect you and your decisions and I look forward to your guidance. When I am not warring between me and you, but am simply trusting in the us…

 

I have also learned, that there are many ways to grow on my own. That there are times to be thoughtful of only ourselves. To trust in the intuition that guides us within, and to foster that growth and even spiritual guidance. I understand that to be the best partner, I also need to be the best me.. first. 

Calling back for my intuition.

I started this blog almost a year ago with the beginning of my advent into veganism. That foray was inspired much by A. Silverstone’s book “the kind diet”, bought mostly for the pretty photos for a few dollars at a closeout sale at Borders. (www.thekindlife.com). Veganism began one Sunday after a day in the garden, completely unexpectedly and as almost of a joke; just a fun way to pass the time that day.

It lasted two months, which by some standards would be relatively nothing, but for an unanticipated and beforehand unimaginable reality for me, was a real thing. Much of what I did then I carry over into my current life, by eating the same foods and reading the same book and having the same thought processes about what is good for my body and my life in the world.

What is most interesting to me is not just the change in behaviors and mental processes I experienced, and not even how sudden the shift seemed to occur, but rather, how devoted I was to that change, and how much those new behaviors meant to me both now and then, with so little thought of them beforehand. 

I didn’t plan for veganism. I didn’t even think about veganism until my first day of it. And on my first day of it, I didn’t even anticipate it being something I would want to do for any serious amount of time. How was I able to so quickly and easily perceive it as so valuable to me?

My intuition tells me it was just my intuition. Since my intuition has been the only thing I’ve been able to consistently rely on in my life, I have few rational options but to trust that as true; that I experienced something that would be so good for me in the long-term that I knew immediately once engaged in it not to give it up. Time has shown the evidence, a year later and still vegan in heart and mostly in body, that this is probably true.

I think about these questions more generally not just in terms of veganism but in terms of other changes in my life. Facing shifts in professions, geography, money, friendships, love, and, general attitude, I have been considering a lot not just my decisions but the process itself of making decisions and bringing on life changes.

I will be starting in less than three months’ time a completely new profession. I will be living on a different coast. I will be challenging the way I consider what is important work and what is important to love. These are not necessarily difficult things to take on, but they are alarming to me as shifts that are happening seemingly without much prior knowledge or insight. I have been considering for the past several weeks any of the ways I could get more information about all of these new areas that I’m about to go into. And in every way, that has been my default and natural way of being and acting in the world. My spontaneous but fortunate foray into a vegan diet was an anomaly for me (along with only a few other decisions in my life: attending Vassar and going to Spain, the both of which along with veganism were some of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself), which is why I have been trying to learn more about how I was able to act in those ways and to trust in myself so steadily.
These reflections help me realize that despite how strong I know my intuition to be, I have had tendencies to not trust it completely, feeling the need to augment it with information and lived experience. This has proven to in no way improve my decisions, and by the last several weeks has in every way shown to make my decision-making process more arduous and less personally gratifying.

I think it’s time I quite simply not just listened to my heart more, but trusted it. Fortunate thoughts, for one to be going from science to teaching, from Philadelphia to San Francisco, from lonely independence to a loving and true partnership.

Bronx Students Release 10-Point List of Demands to Reform NY Public Education

Bronx Students Release 10-Point List of Demands to Reform NY Public Education.

Book Quote: Genes and Environment in Context

“Our society has gone through pendulum swings that over- or under-correlate DNA with behavior and disease. We have much to learn about the complex interactions within an organism and between an organism and its environment that influence its development.”
-Genetic testing and the use of information. Clarisa Long, Ed.

Vegan Again! (or, Vegain) :)

It’s time to be vegan again! I feel it happening. Vegain. Love.

Estamos en Espana! First Impressions of Things I Would Like to Do For the Month.

la mia amiga come se dice "lovely"

I’ve busted out. I’ve taken the plunge. Jumped the bridge. Is that even a phrase? However you want to say it (though busted out is a personal fave), I’ve made my way to Spain for the month of August. Now on my fourth day, it might be starting to sink in. Enough, at least, for me to consider the things I would like to focus on while I’m here.

— Try to learn some freaking Spanish. It’s horrendous how much you can forget.
— Try not to speak in Italian. Or some weird hybrid non-language of Italian and Spanish.
— Talk and feel like a fool.
— Carry a journal with me of notes and observations and lists of things I need for travels and here at the casa in Madrid.
— Write lists in Spanish. But write longer observations in English, because let’s not get ridiculous.

— Remember that this is real.
— Remember that I am here for twenty more days. Walk around slowly, get lost, sit in a park or a cafe for several hours and pretend that I really live here.
— Take photos of things up close.

— Travel outside of Madrid alone. (Perhaps nearer to the end of the trip after I’ve learned some of that Spanish.)
— Definitely see more playas.
— Take notes about the food! Cook Spanish-inspired things. Eat and drink and be merry.

This is definitely an on-going list, and I’m sure there are many more things I will add to it as I’ve been here longer. I still have no idea what to expect, and I am grateful for that. One of the main things this is about is exploring and living as things come to you. And understanding that living as things come to you does not mean living with everything that comes to you; it is understanding the difference between what is valuable to engage in and what isn’t.

(Unanticipated) Cushions, and How They Affect Us.

Let’s take a minute and appreciate our cushions.

I got into a conversation today with a professor on the topic of whether I will decide to travel to Madrid for the month of August. It is seemingly the perfect opportunity. One of my very best friends is living there temporarily and has offered me a place to stay, so the cost would be relatively incredibly cheap; I just learned my full-time position will end August 1st; my lease is up August 1st; and Mr. B’s Spanish class in high school (taken with same good friend) has given me so many fond memories that the positive associations with the place are astounding.
This isn’t the first time a felicitous opportunity of this kind has come knocking on my door. For that reason, as well as the obvious sadness of turning down something so potentially amazing, I’m desperate to convince myself to go for it.

When I told this to the professor — his name is Russell Epstein, and he is wonderful by the way — he agreed. “Go! Have I convinced you?” I sighed. I’m not sure. I’m so thankful for his encouragement. (If I don’t get it from people like him, I don’t know from where I would.) But there’s a small but undeniable wrinkle: where will this trip leave me when I come back? How will I manage the rest of the year after spending all this money at the start of it?
As the kind-hearted soul would be apt to do, Russell then began to brainstorm some ways that I could make it work. Ask your parents for money? Eat lettuce for the year? Get the CCN to host a benefit dinner? The quick spiral into ridiculousness made the inevitable impracticality of the idea seem even more clear. I admitted I couldn’t ask my parents for money. In fact, they are the ones who ask me for money. I just don’t have a cushion that could support me throughout the rest of the year

The closing sentence of my friend’s email, received earlier that day, went through my mind. “sometimes reality gets in the way of dreams.” And that, combined with Russell’s obvious change of expression, made the sadness of the reality even more heavy.

******

What is the word that describes the state in which something is so close in reach, but yet unattainable despite all your efforts and wishes?

******

Cushions can exist everywhere and for everyone. They aren’t just issues of privilege and power and social standing. They are the issue of whether we forego future worries in making decisions that might otherwise be perceived as too risky. And in that, they are also what allow us to persevere through tough but rewarding situations. The cushion is when you are working tirelessly on a big project and, when a sudden mishap threatens disaster, you call your parents to give you the boost you need to regain your cool and finish the job well. A cushion in my own life centers around food. When I was hardcore vegan, I became insatiably hungry. Thoughts of food and how to get full took up too many of my thoughts; it was tiresome to even walk; and I was in more ways than one overwhelmed. So I introduced a cushion: just once a week on average, a moderately sized serving of chicken. It was just enough protein to keep me going through the rest of the week. It alleviated my desperation. It allowed me to shift my focus from one of an inflexible and future-minded “where will I get my fill?” to one that allowed me to enjoy and explore more deeply the various other events of my day. Just that little thing, every now and then, made all the difference between a dire condition and a happy one.

The last thing Russell told me was, “more opportunities will come,” in what I believe was his way of helping me not get weighed down in the lament of this possible opportunity not taken. More opportunities will come, I know, and that itself can be a cushion of its own. If not Madrid, there is you here, with me, sharing my experience of not being in Madrid. There is the reticent calm in acceptance of things we can’t fully control. There is the appreciation of the mundane; the awareness of the steady and natural boosts of goodness from the world; and the constant motivation to do what we can to change the lived world and attainable dreams of (at least some) deserving others.

I thank my mentors and my advocates. Even those who don’t see themselves as this in name. They have been the cushions that have not just sustained me, but brought me to places further than where I knew existed. They have kept positivity alive. And their reliable presence has been showing me, slowly, that I might just be ok if I take that big scary risk.

Be Your Gosh Darn Self

This sounds so much easier than it really is. So many of us would abide by this, if only, we thought, we knew what it meant to be our selves. Who are we, anyway? It’s never easily defined. And that’s why I can’t quite put to words what it really means. But, words are helpful in solidifying concepts; that’s (partly) why we have them.

The best I’ve been able to do for myself by way of this definition is that it is to be constantly aware of our own intuitions, to accept our own preferences, and to not let standards of how we think we should be behaving guide us instead.
“But oh, Jen, what about the people who aren’t perfect like you, who are drug addicts and abusers and inveterate litterbugs? Should they just continue to be their slimy old selves?”
Well, thank you, but firstly, I’m not perfect. And good point that you raise. Secondly, yes. I do think they should continue to do as they please. Because even if we think the world would be better without their bad habits, no real changes will be made to who they are or what it is they really want to be doing without internal motivation. This means reformed behaviors will always be at risk for occurring again; the negative thoughts and predilections will be passed down to future generations. Those entities will still exist.*

When we are instead encouraged to be our total selves, and at a high level of awareness, the nature of our thoughts and habits become more clear. Their negative consequences become more felt. These understandings, combined with love of self and others, can truly motivate us to change our lives into ones of healthier patterns.
I believe in this because it has happened to me, and it is happening to me still. When I listen to myself, I am happier. When I am happier, I want to treat myself and others better. The love of self is the love of others.

I'm Jen. I really like jigsaw puzzles. I don't like getting drunk. And I don't like smoking. I like posing with inanimate things as if they are real. I like living alone. I like putting non-skillful art creations on my wall and showing them to near-strangers. I like working hard. And I like that I like these things.

* I realize this is way trickier than I make it here. There are offenders whose actions are too grave to ignore. I don’t suggest that we just give assholes tea and yoga and then hope they get better. But, I do think that if we focused more on helping everyone (i.e., not just the highly privileged folks) achieve higher levels of self-awareness and self-love, that maybe we would be able to prevent some of these problems in the first place. And as for dealing with problems as they arise: New Zealand has an interesting model of restorative justice that I’d like to learn more about. It focuses on acknowledgment of the crime and bringing offender and survivor together (instead of pushing the offender into an isolated corner so that we can forget about him). It is thought to be more healing to the victim. It is not a lack of justice.

Am I idealistic? Yes. Do I think it is important? Even more so, yes.

Janelle